I went to see Dr. Mody today to have a follicle study done. I was supposed to have my yearly physical done too, but whoever scheduled my appointment messed up. I have to wait another month because the one I had last year was on April 20th. So it has to be after that. Oh well--didn't really care about that part of the visit! I wanted to see those follicles!
So I got in the ultrasound room and got to sit on those one of those super comfy chairs with the stirrups. OK--I don't like the stirrups part, but to quote Rachel on Friends, "I swear if they sold these at Pottery Barn!!" Anyways--the ultrasound technician came in and began the examination. This is not a horrible experience, but since it's an internal exam, it's not very pleasant either. They take this long wand and put what looks to me like a condom over it and squirt the goo to do the examination internally. First she measured my uterus and said it looked good. Then comes the not fun part. She has to rotate the wand inside to look at my right ovary and then my left. This causes me some mild cramping. I could see on the screen in front of me that I had several follicles with both ovaries, but there were 2 on my right and 1 on my left that were sizable enough to be considered maturing. They measured at 13 mm each. And that was it--I could get dressed and go sit in the waiting room for Dr. Mody to come talk to me.
While I was waiting, the nurse came and got me because she forgot to check my blood pressure. This made me nervous. I have had high blood pressure for the last 2 years thanks to the ridiculous amounts of stress from my old job. At the highest--at least highest recorded--it was 148/110. This was just back in January. I know that even when the stress goes away, the damaging effects from it can last for a while. So I have been concerned that my blood pressure would remain high. Especially being at an appointment to discuss our infertility--my nerves are on edge with that topic anyway. But I put on a brave face and stuck my right arm out for her to slip the cuff on. I was just praying that maybe it had gone down just a little. I waited as she pumped the cuff up tight and listened to the stethoscope. When she was done she started to enter my numbers in the computer. I couldn't take it anymore and asked her what my reading was. She nonchalantly said 110/80!!! WOO HOO!!! I got so excited--I just couldn't believe it! I was seated back in the waiting room and I just bowed my head and thanked God for making me healthy again!
Then Dr. Mody came and got me and took me in her office. She said having 3 maturing follicles was a great number to perform the IUI. She said that the follicles need to grow to 20 mm before they will be ready to rupture and release the egg(s). She did some sort of "follicle growth math" and estimated that they would hit 20 mm on Sunday, April 3rd. That's in 5 days. She told me to wake up early Sunday morning (like 5 a.m. or earlier) and give myself the Ovidrel shot--my hcg trigger shot. (Not sure how I'm gonna do that, but for my baby Griffin, I will do anything!) That should cause me to ovulate on Sunday. The IUI procedure is supposed to be performed between 24-36 hours after taking the trigger shot.
So Dr. Mody got us set up for Monday, April 4th, to have our IUI performed. At 9 a.m. hubby will make his "contribution" which will go through a process called sperm washing. It basically is a process to separate the sperm from the semen because you don't want semen going up into the uterus. Apparently it can cause infection. Who knew?! They will then give us the washed sperm in the prepared catheter to take to Dr. Mody's office. We are supposed to be at Dr. Mody's office at 10 a.m. and she said that they will take us right back to do the insemination. She said the insemination process should only take about 30 minutes and then I have to lay with my hips elevated for about 30 more minutes. And that's it! Then we go home and wait and PRAY!!!
Dr. Mody did want to make me aware of the risk of multiple babies with this procedure. The Clomid carries a 5-10% chance on its own. Adding Ovidrel and the IUI increases that percentage. I told Dr. Mody that we want to start our family--no matter if it's with 1 baby or by doing it all at once with multiples. She smiled and said she understood--just wanted to make sure that I understood the possibility was there. She also told me that we needed to "try" on Friday to make sure we cover our bases just in case I ovulate before the trigger shot.
So now I am just gonna keep taking my prenatal vitamins and work on being brave enough to give myself the shot on Sunday!! I'm so excited to be healthy again and I really feel like my body is capable of taking care of the precious little life that God is going to bless us with one day! Hopefully it's this month with the IUI but if not, I will hold on to my faith that God will bless us with a child!
March 29, 2011
30 Months and A Diagnosis of ... ???
Remember the days when a kiss on your boo-boo would make everything better? And you went to the doctor when you were sick knowing that the doctor would know EXACTLY what was wrong with you and give you the EXACT RIGHT medication to make it you feel good again. And they always got it right on the very first time! I miss those days when a 20 minute trip to the doc fixed everything...
When John and I got married, we knew we wanted to start a family. For some reason, the thought of "what if we have trouble" stayed in our minds. We decided in September, 2008 to go off of birth control and just "see what happened." By my yearly check up in April, 2009, absolutely NOTHING had happened! So I told my doctor about us trying to get pregnant and that it had been about 7 months. She said she didn't want to put me on anything until we had been trying for a year. (I found out later that many doctors will start working on your infertility if you haven't gotten pregnant in 6 months--oh well.)
Up until this point, my courthouse job had been tough to deal with, but things really got horrible around this time. I began to have very irregular cycles after always being a 28-29 day cycle girl. At one point, I was having cycles lasting 45 days and 63 days. For a girl that had been trying to get pregnant for just under a year, missing your period means you take more pregnancy tests than I ever knew existed. Seeing that one line or "not pregnant" so many times was awful. It was at this time that I asked my doctor to run tests for us to find out who the culprit was...John or me. We both trusted each other that no matter who was having fertility issues that we wouldn't place blame or get upset with each other or ourselves. It was a solution to the problem. A way to "fix" what was wrong with us.
So hubby was "checked out" and the results came back that he was just fine! He has plenty of "boys" and most of them knew how to move and get the job done! So I then "knew" that it was me. I was the reason that we couldn't get pregnant--or so I thought. The doctor ran a set of blood tests on me that checked levels of all kinds of hormones (estrogen, progesterone, etc.) and all the numbers came back perfect. Not a problem at all! So then she ran a set of tests to check my thyroid a a few other blood levels that can sometimes mess up your fertility. Again, perfect! No problems, nothing wrong. The doctor even used the words "textbook perfect results." Apparently nothing was wrong with either of us.
My doctor then began using the word "timing" a lot. She thought maybe our "timing" was off and we just needed a little something to help us "try" when we knew I would be ovulating. It was then decided that the medication Clomid was introduced into our lives. However, before she would prescribe it to me, I had to go in for a test called an HSG, or hysterosalpingogram. It is an X-Ray that looks inside the uterus and fallopian tubes. They make you have this test done to make sure there aren't any blockages in the fallopian tubes so that when you take the Clomid the eggs can get through and to make sure that a blockage isn't the reason that you can't get pregnant. It is also a way to check the size and shape of your uterus to make sure that there are no problems.
I had to go up to the Women's Hospital in Greensboro to have this test done. It was a less than pleasant experience. I had to lay down on this cold slab and have this large metal donut X-Ray machine put on top of my abdomen area. They then ran dye "up there" and hold it in place so it can flow through the uterus and fallopian tubes. This HURT!! The radiologist kept telling me to take in a deep breath and hold it. Once I got that deep breath in, the pain hit and I couldn't breathe again if I tried. She told me I may have some "mild cramping" during the test--HA! Mild cramping my tail!! I hurt like I had never hurt before. I remember laying there thinking that John was going to have to leave work and come get me because there is no way I could drive in this pain. And then it was over. The dye had ran through and they took the speculum out. The radiologist turned the screen around so that I could see the pictures she had taken. She happily informed me that I had a perfectly normal shaped uterus, no blockages in my tubes, and once again--nothing wrong!
The doctor called me in a prescription of Clomid 50 mg with instructions to take one pill a day on cycle days 3-7 and then "try" every other day from cycle days 8-22. (For those that think their hubby would be in heaven with their wife all over them for 15 days, think again. Sex became our job--all the enjoyment was out of it and we just did what we had to do. This took a toll on us mentally. I'm just so fortunate to have a great marriage and we made it through!) She told us this should make us get pregnant, no problem. She explained everything. And then she moved to West Virginia. No kidding. At this point it's May, 2010 and she's been with me during this whole journey and knows my whole history over the last infertile year...and then she's gone. No warning, no clue at all. Just gone! She put me on Clomid with the promise of a baby and was gone. I realize that she was not required to stay just for me, but for you women who really love and trust your gynecologist, it's hard to just up and be left!
Fortunately, my good friend Emily had just had her baby (our sweet goddaughter) and told me how much she loved her gynecology office. I got the phone number and called up there. I was so pleased to hear them answer the phone, "Wendover OB/GYN & INFERTILITY"!!! I was so happy, I cried out to the poor lady on the other end, "I need a fertility doctor!!!" She laughed and said "ma'am, all of our doctors here specialize in infertility--you are in good hands!" She set me up with Dr. Mody & gave me my first appointment in September, 2010. I had been on Clomid for 3 months at this point. When I went to see her, she asked me why I had been trying for 2 years and haven't done anything but 3 months of Clomid. I broke down crying and said that I had just been following the advice of the Doctor I was with before.
I remember asking her, "What's wrong with us? Why can't we get pregnant?" She told me that from what she could see from all our test results, we just had unexplained infertility. However, knowing the stress from my courthouse job, she said she thought that stress could be the culprit. This was the 4th doctor that had told me that. My old gynecologist, my family doctor and another gynecologist had all told me the same thing before. Knowing that my job could really be the reason I wasn't getting pregnant was just a slap to the face. She said it was time to leave all that in the past and asked me if we were ready to get aggressive with our infertility and beat it. Through big ole alligator tears, I told her that yes we were.
She laid out a plan. I was so happy I could have hugged her. I am such a plan girl and all of this infertility nonsense had gone totally against "my plan." She put me on Clomid 100mg for October and November and had me come back in and check to see if I really did ovulate. Blood results confirmed that I did. So when that didn't work, in December she had us do Clomid 100 again and then on cycle day 12 administered an HCG shot to trigger my ovulation. She instructed us to try within 24-48 hours. This was nice--instead of a marathon of forcing ourselves to be "in the mood" non-stop, we just had to have timed sex 2 times. We could enjoy ourselves after that! We really thought that we would have a nice Christmas surprise. Unfortunately, on December 23rd that dream was shattered by the presence of my monthly visitor. I was so upset that I just cried for hours. My poor husband couldn't console me and I think he even shed a few tears himself. It was so hard thinking we may have been able to share with our family a great Christmas miracle and then realizing that it wasn't happening--AGAIN!
Our next step in the plan was supposed to be an IUI in January. IUI is IntraUterine Insemination. This is a less than romantic process in conceiving. They take hubby's sperm and "wash" them to get the best sample. Then they will take the sperm and place them in a very thin catheter and insert it through my cervix into my uterus and deposit the sperm there. This puts them a lot closer to the fallopian tubes so they have a shorter distance to swim to the egg in the fallopian tubes. There was only one problem...my horrible job. At this point things were at their worst so I was in full fledge panic/anxiety/chest pains/high blood pressure/stressed out mode. I was so afraid that even if the IUI worked, my stress levels would cause me to miscarry. So we decided to hold off for a few months to see what happened. Well, God performed the miracle of making me a WAHW and now all my stress has subsided!
So that brings us to today, March 28, 2011. Tomorrow I will be going to see Dr. Mody to have my yearly check up and then she will perform an ultrasound to check my follicles. I took my clomid 100mg last week on the 5 days I was supposed to and I have my hcg trigger shot in the refrigerator to take up there with me tomorrow. If they find that I have some mature follicles, they will administer the hcg shot. I will then make the appointment for hubby and I to go back in a couple days to have our IUI procedure performed. We decided that it was time to take the plunge and start this procedure. We are having to let go of our "traditional views" on how a baby should be conceived and do what is necessary. Like we've been saying, if you are having a heart attack you don't just lay there hoping it will get better. You go to the hospital and allow doctors to make you better. I fully believe that God is the miracle worker and one of those miracles is giving our doctors the knowledge to help us cure our aches, pains, sickness, disorders, etc. So through prayer and a load of faith, we are going to go down this new road toward finally meeting our beautiful baby Griffin.
When John and I got married, we knew we wanted to start a family. For some reason, the thought of "what if we have trouble" stayed in our minds. We decided in September, 2008 to go off of birth control and just "see what happened." By my yearly check up in April, 2009, absolutely NOTHING had happened! So I told my doctor about us trying to get pregnant and that it had been about 7 months. She said she didn't want to put me on anything until we had been trying for a year. (I found out later that many doctors will start working on your infertility if you haven't gotten pregnant in 6 months--oh well.)
Up until this point, my courthouse job had been tough to deal with, but things really got horrible around this time. I began to have very irregular cycles after always being a 28-29 day cycle girl. At one point, I was having cycles lasting 45 days and 63 days. For a girl that had been trying to get pregnant for just under a year, missing your period means you take more pregnancy tests than I ever knew existed. Seeing that one line or "not pregnant" so many times was awful. It was at this time that I asked my doctor to run tests for us to find out who the culprit was...John or me. We both trusted each other that no matter who was having fertility issues that we wouldn't place blame or get upset with each other or ourselves. It was a solution to the problem. A way to "fix" what was wrong with us.
So hubby was "checked out" and the results came back that he was just fine! He has plenty of "boys" and most of them knew how to move and get the job done! So I then "knew" that it was me. I was the reason that we couldn't get pregnant--or so I thought. The doctor ran a set of blood tests on me that checked levels of all kinds of hormones (estrogen, progesterone, etc.) and all the numbers came back perfect. Not a problem at all! So then she ran a set of tests to check my thyroid a a few other blood levels that can sometimes mess up your fertility. Again, perfect! No problems, nothing wrong. The doctor even used the words "textbook perfect results." Apparently nothing was wrong with either of us.
My doctor then began using the word "timing" a lot. She thought maybe our "timing" was off and we just needed a little something to help us "try" when we knew I would be ovulating. It was then decided that the medication Clomid was introduced into our lives. However, before she would prescribe it to me, I had to go in for a test called an HSG, or hysterosalpingogram. It is an X-Ray that looks inside the uterus and fallopian tubes. They make you have this test done to make sure there aren't any blockages in the fallopian tubes so that when you take the Clomid the eggs can get through and to make sure that a blockage isn't the reason that you can't get pregnant. It is also a way to check the size and shape of your uterus to make sure that there are no problems.
I had to go up to the Women's Hospital in Greensboro to have this test done. It was a less than pleasant experience. I had to lay down on this cold slab and have this large metal donut X-Ray machine put on top of my abdomen area. They then ran dye "up there" and hold it in place so it can flow through the uterus and fallopian tubes. This HURT!! The radiologist kept telling me to take in a deep breath and hold it. Once I got that deep breath in, the pain hit and I couldn't breathe again if I tried. She told me I may have some "mild cramping" during the test--HA! Mild cramping my tail!! I hurt like I had never hurt before. I remember laying there thinking that John was going to have to leave work and come get me because there is no way I could drive in this pain. And then it was over. The dye had ran through and they took the speculum out. The radiologist turned the screen around so that I could see the pictures she had taken. She happily informed me that I had a perfectly normal shaped uterus, no blockages in my tubes, and once again--nothing wrong!
The doctor called me in a prescription of Clomid 50 mg with instructions to take one pill a day on cycle days 3-7 and then "try" every other day from cycle days 8-22. (For those that think their hubby would be in heaven with their wife all over them for 15 days, think again. Sex became our job--all the enjoyment was out of it and we just did what we had to do. This took a toll on us mentally. I'm just so fortunate to have a great marriage and we made it through!) She told us this should make us get pregnant, no problem. She explained everything. And then she moved to West Virginia. No kidding. At this point it's May, 2010 and she's been with me during this whole journey and knows my whole history over the last infertile year...and then she's gone. No warning, no clue at all. Just gone! She put me on Clomid with the promise of a baby and was gone. I realize that she was not required to stay just for me, but for you women who really love and trust your gynecologist, it's hard to just up and be left!
Fortunately, my good friend Emily had just had her baby (our sweet goddaughter) and told me how much she loved her gynecology office. I got the phone number and called up there. I was so pleased to hear them answer the phone, "Wendover OB/GYN & INFERTILITY"!!! I was so happy, I cried out to the poor lady on the other end, "I need a fertility doctor!!!" She laughed and said "ma'am, all of our doctors here specialize in infertility--you are in good hands!" She set me up with Dr. Mody & gave me my first appointment in September, 2010. I had been on Clomid for 3 months at this point. When I went to see her, she asked me why I had been trying for 2 years and haven't done anything but 3 months of Clomid. I broke down crying and said that I had just been following the advice of the Doctor I was with before.
I remember asking her, "What's wrong with us? Why can't we get pregnant?" She told me that from what she could see from all our test results, we just had unexplained infertility. However, knowing the stress from my courthouse job, she said she thought that stress could be the culprit. This was the 4th doctor that had told me that. My old gynecologist, my family doctor and another gynecologist had all told me the same thing before. Knowing that my job could really be the reason I wasn't getting pregnant was just a slap to the face. She said it was time to leave all that in the past and asked me if we were ready to get aggressive with our infertility and beat it. Through big ole alligator tears, I told her that yes we were.
She laid out a plan. I was so happy I could have hugged her. I am such a plan girl and all of this infertility nonsense had gone totally against "my plan." She put me on Clomid 100mg for October and November and had me come back in and check to see if I really did ovulate. Blood results confirmed that I did. So when that didn't work, in December she had us do Clomid 100 again and then on cycle day 12 administered an HCG shot to trigger my ovulation. She instructed us to try within 24-48 hours. This was nice--instead of a marathon of forcing ourselves to be "in the mood" non-stop, we just had to have timed sex 2 times. We could enjoy ourselves after that! We really thought that we would have a nice Christmas surprise. Unfortunately, on December 23rd that dream was shattered by the presence of my monthly visitor. I was so upset that I just cried for hours. My poor husband couldn't console me and I think he even shed a few tears himself. It was so hard thinking we may have been able to share with our family a great Christmas miracle and then realizing that it wasn't happening--AGAIN!
Our next step in the plan was supposed to be an IUI in January. IUI is IntraUterine Insemination. This is a less than romantic process in conceiving. They take hubby's sperm and "wash" them to get the best sample. Then they will take the sperm and place them in a very thin catheter and insert it through my cervix into my uterus and deposit the sperm there. This puts them a lot closer to the fallopian tubes so they have a shorter distance to swim to the egg in the fallopian tubes. There was only one problem...my horrible job. At this point things were at their worst so I was in full fledge panic/anxiety/chest pains/high blood pressure/stressed out mode. I was so afraid that even if the IUI worked, my stress levels would cause me to miscarry. So we decided to hold off for a few months to see what happened. Well, God performed the miracle of making me a WAHW and now all my stress has subsided!
So that brings us to today, March 28, 2011. Tomorrow I will be going to see Dr. Mody to have my yearly check up and then she will perform an ultrasound to check my follicles. I took my clomid 100mg last week on the 5 days I was supposed to and I have my hcg trigger shot in the refrigerator to take up there with me tomorrow. If they find that I have some mature follicles, they will administer the hcg shot. I will then make the appointment for hubby and I to go back in a couple days to have our IUI procedure performed. We decided that it was time to take the plunge and start this procedure. We are having to let go of our "traditional views" on how a baby should be conceived and do what is necessary. Like we've been saying, if you are having a heart attack you don't just lay there hoping it will get better. You go to the hospital and allow doctors to make you better. I fully believe that God is the miracle worker and one of those miracles is giving our doctors the knowledge to help us cure our aches, pains, sickness, disorders, etc. So through prayer and a load of faith, we are going to go down this new road toward finally meeting our beautiful baby Griffin.
March 28, 2011
WAHW...Thirty-One Style!!
To tell you the "cause" of our infertility, I first have to explain how I have come to be a happy WAHW (Work at Home Wife). I graduated from North Carolina State University in 2004 at 22 years old and ready to conquer the world! I "knew" to be successful in life I would have to find a high-power corporate job and work my way to the top!
So I got my first job at a home medical company working in their corporate office. It was an OK job and I met some very good friends, Jamie & Na'im. I'm so thankful that years later, after all 3 of us have left that job, we have remained great friends! A year and a half later, I got a huge step up job working for our County Manager and Board of Commissioners. This job should have been the end of my story. I worked under the Clerk to the Board, Cheryl, and she was the best boss and became as close to me as family! After working there for 2 years, I got offered a position with the State working at the Courthouse in a new program that was being implemented. It was a lot more money and since I was getting married and buying a house, I felt this was the right move to make. Boy, was I WRONG!!!
So I said a tearful goodbye to Cheryl and went to work at the courthouse. It wasn't so bad at first. I worked with 2 other women--one of which was my relative. Over time, these 2 women became very close friends--which ended up not boding too well for me. For the next two years, I dealt with hostility, harrassment, sabotage and one of the worst work environments I could have possibly imagined. It got so bad that now I no longer consider my own relative a family member--and neither do my husband or parents. I ended up having constant chest pains that felt like a heart attack, high blood pressure (148/110) & horrible anxiety. Oh, and I forgot to mention...INFERTILITY!! But we'll go into the details of that later.
The one good thing about going to the courthouse was that is where God led me to Thirty-One!! My friend Sarah brought a catalog filled with beautiful treasures and asked me if I wanted to take a look at it. I'm a purse/tote/organizing bags fanatic so of course I wanted to check it out. At the time, hubby and I were working very hard to get out of debt (still are!) and so I knew I wouldn't be able to get everything I wanted in the catalog--which was EVERYTHING!! I flipped to the back of the catalog and my life was changed. I saw the beautiful items worth over $300 but I would get it for only $99!! I figured what could it hurt. I knew I could do the 2 or 3 parties it would take to earn my money back and then I would be done. I had tried a different direct sales business in the past and was just not good at it at all--and that's putting it nicely. John likes to say that I couldn't sell honey to a bee! He's so sweet!! But I talked to him about it and even though we were both skeptic that I would make anything out of it, he agreed it was worth a shot. Like he said, even if I just made $50 a month, that would be enough to pay a bill or two!
So I contacted a consultant that was featured in that season's catalog that lived near me--about 45 minutes away. Little did I know this woman, Jen, is a powerhouse in the company--achieving the highest title of Senior Executive Director in just a little over 2 years! I knew I was in good hands. So on May 1, 2010, I signed up under Jen and got 2 parties booked. Well, just wanting to make enough to pay my kit price back happened in my first party! Those 2 parties multiplied and I started having friends and random people wanting to sign up to do what I was doing--Partying for a Living!! I promoted to Senior Consultant the same month I signed up and then promoted to Director in September, 2010--just 4 months after signing up!! I had finally found my happy job. It wasn't the typical 8-5, M-F, get up go to the office kind of job. It wasn't the corporate powerhouse I thought I was SUPPOSED to have. It was better!! By the end of the year, I had made an additional almost $12,000 in 7 months!
However, the courthouse job just kept getting worse and worse. I cried every morning having to get ready and drive to work and then cried every night knowing that I had to go back to the courthouse the next day. Saturdays became my only good day of the week. Sunday around 4-6 p.m. I would think about having to go to work the next day and face "them" and the tears would just start flowing. I was absolutely miserable--and this was on top of being miserable because we aren't getting pregnant.
The last straw was when I finally had to go to see my doctor because my heart was beating through my chest and my chest pains were so severe that I couldn't take a deep breath. Dr. Scott's nurse opened up a new box of tissues for me at that appointment and by the end of it, I had cried through the ENTIRE BOX of tissues. He told me right then and there that if something didn't change, I was going to end up very sick, or worse, dead. That truly scared me. He said he wanted to take me out on medical leave, but I was so afraid of the retribution if I had gone out on medical leave that I begged him not to. Dr. Scott told me that he would give me a few weeks to "figure something out" but if it didn't get better, he wouldn't give me the option of going on medical leave. He said that as my physician and knowing that my health was being affected, he would HAVE to step in. This was January 31, 2011.
On February 2, 2011, I got information from a friend of mine at the courthouse that the State was offering a severance package to those that would volunteer to leave. It was called a Voluntary Reduction in Force and it was only being offered to the Judicial Branch. That included me!! I sent in my application to see what I would be offered. John and I agreed that if we could at least get 2 months pay out of the deal, we could make it work. And me being happy and healthy again would be so worth it. I got my estimate back 2 days later and I saw my sign--I got 2 months pay EXACTLY...just what we said we needed. As an added bonus, I found out that I would get my health insurance paid for a full year. I was so excited and overcome with God's grace. I knew this was my sign to finally GET OUT! A week later I was able to pack up and walk out with my head held high. Even through one last sabotage from "them"--I just didn't care! I was going to be out of there and I was so happy!!
So now, I am officially a WAHW and loving it! I am also happier and healthier than I have been in 2 years. My blood pressure is almost back to normal, chest pains are a thing of the past, and my anxiety is nothing more than just a distant memory. It wouldn't have been possible without God bringing Thirty-One in my life. I know that. I trust that. I believe that. And it just keeps getting better! I found out today that I am about to have a 2nd director under me which will promote me to Senior Director by April!! That means I will have promoted to the 4th level in the company in less than a year! This promotion will really boost my paycheck and allow me to remain a WAHW without having to get a part time job. It's also going to help us afford various drugs and procedures to have a baby!! I couldn't understand for a long time why God was making me stay in this awful job at the courthouse when I was so miserable. But I can now see the amazing plan He had by bringing Thirty-One into my life and blessing this business so that when the opportunity came, I would be able to leave and still be taken care of. I just hope that the next step of the plan is to make us parents. Especially now that I will have the opportunity to stay at home with my child(ren)!
So I got my first job at a home medical company working in their corporate office. It was an OK job and I met some very good friends, Jamie & Na'im. I'm so thankful that years later, after all 3 of us have left that job, we have remained great friends! A year and a half later, I got a huge step up job working for our County Manager and Board of Commissioners. This job should have been the end of my story. I worked under the Clerk to the Board, Cheryl, and she was the best boss and became as close to me as family! After working there for 2 years, I got offered a position with the State working at the Courthouse in a new program that was being implemented. It was a lot more money and since I was getting married and buying a house, I felt this was the right move to make. Boy, was I WRONG!!!
So I said a tearful goodbye to Cheryl and went to work at the courthouse. It wasn't so bad at first. I worked with 2 other women--one of which was my relative. Over time, these 2 women became very close friends--which ended up not boding too well for me. For the next two years, I dealt with hostility, harrassment, sabotage and one of the worst work environments I could have possibly imagined. It got so bad that now I no longer consider my own relative a family member--and neither do my husband or parents. I ended up having constant chest pains that felt like a heart attack, high blood pressure (148/110) & horrible anxiety. Oh, and I forgot to mention...INFERTILITY!! But we'll go into the details of that later.
The one good thing about going to the courthouse was that is where God led me to Thirty-One!! My friend Sarah brought a catalog filled with beautiful treasures and asked me if I wanted to take a look at it. I'm a purse/tote/organizing bags fanatic so of course I wanted to check it out. At the time, hubby and I were working very hard to get out of debt (still are!) and so I knew I wouldn't be able to get everything I wanted in the catalog--which was EVERYTHING!! I flipped to the back of the catalog and my life was changed. I saw the beautiful items worth over $300 but I would get it for only $99!! I figured what could it hurt. I knew I could do the 2 or 3 parties it would take to earn my money back and then I would be done. I had tried a different direct sales business in the past and was just not good at it at all--and that's putting it nicely. John likes to say that I couldn't sell honey to a bee! He's so sweet!! But I talked to him about it and even though we were both skeptic that I would make anything out of it, he agreed it was worth a shot. Like he said, even if I just made $50 a month, that would be enough to pay a bill or two!
So I contacted a consultant that was featured in that season's catalog that lived near me--about 45 minutes away. Little did I know this woman, Jen, is a powerhouse in the company--achieving the highest title of Senior Executive Director in just a little over 2 years! I knew I was in good hands. So on May 1, 2010, I signed up under Jen and got 2 parties booked. Well, just wanting to make enough to pay my kit price back happened in my first party! Those 2 parties multiplied and I started having friends and random people wanting to sign up to do what I was doing--Partying for a Living!! I promoted to Senior Consultant the same month I signed up and then promoted to Director in September, 2010--just 4 months after signing up!! I had finally found my happy job. It wasn't the typical 8-5, M-F, get up go to the office kind of job. It wasn't the corporate powerhouse I thought I was SUPPOSED to have. It was better!! By the end of the year, I had made an additional almost $12,000 in 7 months!
However, the courthouse job just kept getting worse and worse. I cried every morning having to get ready and drive to work and then cried every night knowing that I had to go back to the courthouse the next day. Saturdays became my only good day of the week. Sunday around 4-6 p.m. I would think about having to go to work the next day and face "them" and the tears would just start flowing. I was absolutely miserable--and this was on top of being miserable because we aren't getting pregnant.
The last straw was when I finally had to go to see my doctor because my heart was beating through my chest and my chest pains were so severe that I couldn't take a deep breath. Dr. Scott's nurse opened up a new box of tissues for me at that appointment and by the end of it, I had cried through the ENTIRE BOX of tissues. He told me right then and there that if something didn't change, I was going to end up very sick, or worse, dead. That truly scared me. He said he wanted to take me out on medical leave, but I was so afraid of the retribution if I had gone out on medical leave that I begged him not to. Dr. Scott told me that he would give me a few weeks to "figure something out" but if it didn't get better, he wouldn't give me the option of going on medical leave. He said that as my physician and knowing that my health was being affected, he would HAVE to step in. This was January 31, 2011.
On February 2, 2011, I got information from a friend of mine at the courthouse that the State was offering a severance package to those that would volunteer to leave. It was called a Voluntary Reduction in Force and it was only being offered to the Judicial Branch. That included me!! I sent in my application to see what I would be offered. John and I agreed that if we could at least get 2 months pay out of the deal, we could make it work. And me being happy and healthy again would be so worth it. I got my estimate back 2 days later and I saw my sign--I got 2 months pay EXACTLY...just what we said we needed. As an added bonus, I found out that I would get my health insurance paid for a full year. I was so excited and overcome with God's grace. I knew this was my sign to finally GET OUT! A week later I was able to pack up and walk out with my head held high. Even through one last sabotage from "them"--I just didn't care! I was going to be out of there and I was so happy!!
So now, I am officially a WAHW and loving it! I am also happier and healthier than I have been in 2 years. My blood pressure is almost back to normal, chest pains are a thing of the past, and my anxiety is nothing more than just a distant memory. It wouldn't have been possible without God bringing Thirty-One in my life. I know that. I trust that. I believe that. And it just keeps getting better! I found out today that I am about to have a 2nd director under me which will promote me to Senior Director by April!! That means I will have promoted to the 4th level in the company in less than a year! This promotion will really boost my paycheck and allow me to remain a WAHW without having to get a part time job. It's also going to help us afford various drugs and procedures to have a baby!! I couldn't understand for a long time why God was making me stay in this awful job at the courthouse when I was so miserable. But I can now see the amazing plan He had by bringing Thirty-One into my life and blessing this business so that when the opportunity came, I would be able to leave and still be taken care of. I just hope that the next step of the plan is to make us parents. Especially now that I will have the opportunity to stay at home with my child(ren)!
What's in a Name?
got a miracle? That's the name of my blog and a question I've been asking for a while now. I totally believe in miracles. I've seen them performed in my life and in the lives of so many of my family and friends.
My husband survived his Humvee being blown up by an IED in Iraq with a few scratches and a banged up knee when he was deployed in 2007. That was a miracle!
I joined a company, Thirty-One Gifts, hoping to just get some cute bags at a discount, and now it is my full time job and I make more with my home business than I did at my State job. That is a miracle!
Our 1-year-old goddaughter was supposed to have surgery for a problem with her eye they had been battling since she was born. Right when Emily (her mom and my best friend) was supposed to make the appointment, the eye fixed itself and she doesn't need surgery now. That was a miracle!
I am so fortunate to come from a Christian family and be married to a Christian man. We have faith in God that miracles do happen and that He is in control of everything! We feel like it will "take a miracle" for us to get pregnant and have a baby and we have faith that God will make that happen!
So when trying to come up with a name for my blog, I kept thinking about how it truly will be a miracle for us to become parents. And for my teacher friends--yes I know I didn't use proper capitalization! I chose not to do it the right way because in this struggle of trying to get pregnant, I've realized that there is no "right way" of making a baby. I always thought that 2 people fell in love, got married and then had sex and a baby was sure to follow! Well--HA HA HA!!! I've learned that you have to take pills, have shots, and (SHOCKER) not even necessary to have sex to have a baby! Everything we learned in school and were told to scare the crap out of us when we are young adults was about 1% of the truth! I remember being in the 5th grade in Mrs. Brown's class when they split the boys and girls up to have "the talk" with us and we were all convinced that once we were adults, if any of us girls even saw a penis, we would be knocked up at that second! Again I say, HA HA HA!!!
My husband survived his Humvee being blown up by an IED in Iraq with a few scratches and a banged up knee when he was deployed in 2007. That was a miracle!
I joined a company, Thirty-One Gifts, hoping to just get some cute bags at a discount, and now it is my full time job and I make more with my home business than I did at my State job. That is a miracle!
Our 1-year-old goddaughter was supposed to have surgery for a problem with her eye they had been battling since she was born. Right when Emily (her mom and my best friend) was supposed to make the appointment, the eye fixed itself and she doesn't need surgery now. That was a miracle!
I am so fortunate to come from a Christian family and be married to a Christian man. We have faith in God that miracles do happen and that He is in control of everything! We feel like it will "take a miracle" for us to get pregnant and have a baby and we have faith that God will make that happen!
So when trying to come up with a name for my blog, I kept thinking about how it truly will be a miracle for us to become parents. And for my teacher friends--yes I know I didn't use proper capitalization! I chose not to do it the right way because in this struggle of trying to get pregnant, I've realized that there is no "right way" of making a baby. I always thought that 2 people fell in love, got married and then had sex and a baby was sure to follow! Well--HA HA HA!!! I've learned that you have to take pills, have shots, and (SHOCKER) not even necessary to have sex to have a baby! Everything we learned in school and were told to scare the crap out of us when we are young adults was about 1% of the truth! I remember being in the 5th grade in Mrs. Brown's class when they split the boys and girls up to have "the talk" with us and we were all convinced that once we were adults, if any of us girls even saw a penis, we would be knocked up at that second! Again I say, HA HA HA!!!
Introductions and Admissions
Hello World! My name is Amanda Griffin. I am happily married to my best friend, John! We met when he was still in the Marine Corps back in 2006 and got married May 17, 2008. He is now a Sheriff's Deputy and I am so fortunate to be a work at home wife. I am an Independent Director with Thirty-One Gifts--a wonderful company that has changed my life and the life of our little family. (I will delve into this in a later post.) We live in a small town in North Carolina--I'm so happy to be a sweet Southern girl! We have 2 of the most loveable fur-babies you will ever meet--a 3-year-old yellow lab named Semper and a 2-year-old Australian Blue Heeler named Maggie Rae. We also are so fortunate to be the godparents of our best friends' beautiful 1-year-old daughter, Julianna Hope. She is a bundle of love and sweetness and we love her to pieces!
Ok--those are the introductions. I'm sure I will divulge more personal likes, dislikes, fun facts about John and me throughout this blog in the future. However, that's not why I started this blog. I started this blog to have an outlet. An outlet for my frustration, anger, tears, joys, good news, bad news, hopelessness, faith, rants and raves about the one thing that has enveloped our lifes for the past two and a half years. That one thing...Unexplained Infertility!!
There--I said it!! It's out there now for the whole world to see. And that's just the way I want it. We have hidden behind the "shame" of not being able to get pregnant for the bulk of our marriage--only letting a few family members and very close trusted friends know. Everyone else has been told the "lie" of "we are just enjoying our marriage and we'll have children whenever God decides to bless us with them." It's not totally a lie--we know that God is in control of our lives and when He is ready for us to have children--we will. But the lie is the fake happy smile we put on our faces and the cheery voices we use when we say it. We make it sound to the general population like having a child is just the farthest thing from our minds and we are just totally carefree and enjoying every second of being childless.
The truth--we are miserable. Now before everyone starts placing bets on when we will split up--put your wallets away. John and I are not miserable with each other. We love each other very much and the truth is this awful experience has truly brought us even closer and deepened our love and trust for each other even more! We are miserable with having this deep, gut-wrenching desire to have a child and being unable to give that to each other.
I have learned through many life experiences that when I hold my emotions in--it just comes out even worse later! This has been extremely apparent with our infertility struggles. I would think it was "the month" and then when I found out it wasn't, I would just want to cry and cry and not get out of bed. I realized quickly how debilitating that was to me and my husband. So then, in my own true fashion, I started to hold it all in. I wouldn't cry (at least not in front of anyone), I wouldn't talk about it--I basically just shut down. I put up my brick wall and hid behind it. Eventually, my emotions would overflow and I would just be so upset it would make me sick.
Please don't think I'm just over-reacting and tell me to "just quit trying so hard--it'll happen when you aren't thinking about it!" (This and many other awful phrases are degrading to couples going through infertility--you think it's helping--IT'S NOT!) My sweet husband and I are entering our 31st month of trying to get pregnant!! Yes you read that correctly--30 failed attempts at trying to make a beautiful Griffin baby. That's 2 years and 6 months of this labor of love that just will not pay off!! In the time that we have been trying to start our family, we have had friends, family, co-workers, etc. get pregnant, have their baby, get pregnant again, and now have their 2nd baby!! As happy as we are for these people, it just reminds us that we have yet to experience that joy.
So, in trying to find a balance between tearful depression and a brick wall, I turned to this: my new blog. I have 2 different friends that started writing a blog as soon as they got pregnant and I have really loved getting to follow them as they shared all the joys of pregnancy and then the milestones of their now 1-year-old babies. I longed for the day that I would be pregnant and able to start writing a blog and sharing with the world my day to day experiences as an expectant mom. Well after 30 months of not being able to write that blog, I decided, Why Wait? I needed an outlet--so I've made one! I now have a place to talk about Clomid, injectables, procedures, moodiness from fertility drugs (oh the tears!), and hopefully one day SUCCESS!!
That's why we keep pressing on is for that one day! The one day when I get to look my hubby in the eyes and tell him he's going to be a daddy! That one day will make all of this worth it! Until then--we will keep pressing on! And now have a place to chronicle all of the crazy mishaps of our journey.
I will put in a different post all the medical details of our struggles for those that want to know the gritty details--after 30 months of this I'm not shy to discuss this stuff anymore! I will go ahead and admit that for right now, I will not be sharing my blog site with anyone I know! I will publish all my posts so that is out on the live web, but I do plan on putting info on any medicines, procedures, and hopefully our success in my blog. Hubby and I have both agreed that WHEN (being positive!) we do get pregnant, we don't want to announce it to anyone other than very close family members until we get safely through our 1st trimester. However, I have always been the kind of girl that wants to share great information! So I know that when I (finally) am pregnant, I'm going to want to blab it! This blog gives me a chance to blab without telling anyone!! I plan on making my blog public to friends and family after we reach that milestone.
But for now, to those that happen to find their way to my little corner of the internet world, I hope you can understand and appreciate my reasons for creating this blog and wish us loads of baby dust to help our journey towards parenthood. And to those that are also going through infertility struggles, please know you are not alone and we will be praying for you as we hope you will for us!
Ok--those are the introductions. I'm sure I will divulge more personal likes, dislikes, fun facts about John and me throughout this blog in the future. However, that's not why I started this blog. I started this blog to have an outlet. An outlet for my frustration, anger, tears, joys, good news, bad news, hopelessness, faith, rants and raves about the one thing that has enveloped our lifes for the past two and a half years. That one thing...Unexplained Infertility!!
There--I said it!! It's out there now for the whole world to see. And that's just the way I want it. We have hidden behind the "shame" of not being able to get pregnant for the bulk of our marriage--only letting a few family members and very close trusted friends know. Everyone else has been told the "lie" of "we are just enjoying our marriage and we'll have children whenever God decides to bless us with them." It's not totally a lie--we know that God is in control of our lives and when He is ready for us to have children--we will. But the lie is the fake happy smile we put on our faces and the cheery voices we use when we say it. We make it sound to the general population like having a child is just the farthest thing from our minds and we are just totally carefree and enjoying every second of being childless.
The truth--we are miserable. Now before everyone starts placing bets on when we will split up--put your wallets away. John and I are not miserable with each other. We love each other very much and the truth is this awful experience has truly brought us even closer and deepened our love and trust for each other even more! We are miserable with having this deep, gut-wrenching desire to have a child and being unable to give that to each other.
I have learned through many life experiences that when I hold my emotions in--it just comes out even worse later! This has been extremely apparent with our infertility struggles. I would think it was "the month" and then when I found out it wasn't, I would just want to cry and cry and not get out of bed. I realized quickly how debilitating that was to me and my husband. So then, in my own true fashion, I started to hold it all in. I wouldn't cry (at least not in front of anyone), I wouldn't talk about it--I basically just shut down. I put up my brick wall and hid behind it. Eventually, my emotions would overflow and I would just be so upset it would make me sick.
Please don't think I'm just over-reacting and tell me to "just quit trying so hard--it'll happen when you aren't thinking about it!" (This and many other awful phrases are degrading to couples going through infertility--you think it's helping--IT'S NOT!) My sweet husband and I are entering our 31st month of trying to get pregnant!! Yes you read that correctly--30 failed attempts at trying to make a beautiful Griffin baby. That's 2 years and 6 months of this labor of love that just will not pay off!! In the time that we have been trying to start our family, we have had friends, family, co-workers, etc. get pregnant, have their baby, get pregnant again, and now have their 2nd baby!! As happy as we are for these people, it just reminds us that we have yet to experience that joy.
So, in trying to find a balance between tearful depression and a brick wall, I turned to this: my new blog. I have 2 different friends that started writing a blog as soon as they got pregnant and I have really loved getting to follow them as they shared all the joys of pregnancy and then the milestones of their now 1-year-old babies. I longed for the day that I would be pregnant and able to start writing a blog and sharing with the world my day to day experiences as an expectant mom. Well after 30 months of not being able to write that blog, I decided, Why Wait? I needed an outlet--so I've made one! I now have a place to talk about Clomid, injectables, procedures, moodiness from fertility drugs (oh the tears!), and hopefully one day SUCCESS!!
That's why we keep pressing on is for that one day! The one day when I get to look my hubby in the eyes and tell him he's going to be a daddy! That one day will make all of this worth it! Until then--we will keep pressing on! And now have a place to chronicle all of the crazy mishaps of our journey.
I will put in a different post all the medical details of our struggles for those that want to know the gritty details--after 30 months of this I'm not shy to discuss this stuff anymore! I will go ahead and admit that for right now, I will not be sharing my blog site with anyone I know! I will publish all my posts so that is out on the live web, but I do plan on putting info on any medicines, procedures, and hopefully our success in my blog. Hubby and I have both agreed that WHEN (being positive!) we do get pregnant, we don't want to announce it to anyone other than very close family members until we get safely through our 1st trimester. However, I have always been the kind of girl that wants to share great information! So I know that when I (finally) am pregnant, I'm going to want to blab it! This blog gives me a chance to blab without telling anyone!! I plan on making my blog public to friends and family after we reach that milestone.
But for now, to those that happen to find their way to my little corner of the internet world, I hope you can understand and appreciate my reasons for creating this blog and wish us loads of baby dust to help our journey towards parenthood. And to those that are also going through infertility struggles, please know you are not alone and we will be praying for you as we hope you will for us!
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